Nurses Share the Funniest Thing Patients Ever Said

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that people say the darndest things sometimes, especially in a hospital or care setting. Healthcare workers see us at our most vulnerable, so it makes sense that they’d hear things we wouldn’t usually say in conversation.  

If you’re a nurse, you most likely have a myriad of stories to tell. We took to Reddit this week to find some of the funniest stories nurses have collected while on duty and picked our top ten favourites. Whether insulting, hilarious or downright confusing, these stories are sure to bring a giggle to any healthcare professional. 

1. A classic miscommunication

“The other day I offered a resident a sandwich and said ‘white bread or wheat bread?’. She looked at me so offended and said ‘I did not wet the bed. It was somebody else.’” 
-Vikingtender 

2. Getting creative

“I had one of my patients tell me the other day I was a rotten orange peel of a woman”. 
- Ginger-pony056 

3. Just plain savage

“A few weeks ago at the end of my third night in a row, I said goodbye to my patient and wished him luck. Right before I walked out of the room, he said ‘After you clock out, head to the grocery store and return those bags’. I’m totally confused and say ‘Huh?’. He goes, ‘the ones under your eyes’ and starts cracking up laughing.” 
- AndreaMary12 

4. … What?

“Parents, gazing at their infant son in ICU, asked me, very seriously, ‘At what age do babies stop seeing ghosts?’”.
-ShadedSpaces 

5. Five-star service

“Just had a guy try and tell me he was allergic to cold water and requested I heat it up a little”. 
- Runswithscissors__ 

6. You’ve got to love honesty

“I’m a paediatric nurse and kids have no filter. This week I was putting an IV in an 8 year old. I got it in, he’s crying and while I’m taping it up I tell him a joke, then I say ‘My kids don’t think I’m funny but I disagree!’ He stops crying, looks me straight in the eye and deadpan says ‘Your kids are right.’ Ouch!” 
- bippityboppityFyou 

7. Fair enough

“My coworker went in to reposition [her] patient. She apologises for having to wake her up again, to which the patient said she was trying to not fall asleep. My coworker asked why… The patient said ‘I gotta make sure I stay awake to breathe in this oxygen!’” 
- OBNurseScarlett

8. Eat your greens:

“A woman was absolutely distraught that she was going to be made to eat asparagus and was repeatedly telling us that she did not like asparagus, especially with eggs, and was politely rejecting the asparagus she thought we were constantly offering her.” 
- Affogatohoe 

9. Soldier After Dentist

“Anesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes, suddenly jumped upright, sat on the bed [and said]: ‘Sir, yes sir!’ He was under military service at that time.” 
- Kabourayan 

10. And our personal favourite

“Patient waking up post-surgery got [annoyed] at me when I asked him how he was feeling. I continued to ask him if he was hurting because he was just going around in circles about how it’s ‘Not fair’ and that ‘This is ridiculous’. Then he looks at me square in the chest, and states ‘I haven't even looked in the refrigerator yet’. Then proceeded to flop his head back down and drift off.” 
- Mphelp11 on Reddit 

What about you? Do you have any funny or bizarre stories from work that you’d like to share with us? Be sure to leave a comment below with your favourite patient story, or get in touch with us on Instagram. We can’t wait to hear from you! 
- DDHQ x